bubble bubble

i'm making a point to blog regularly, as you can see... but today got nothing much to say la.

went down to plaza sing today with joyce and tsu yang for lunch. feel so bad, coz it was tsu yang's treat... thanks a lot, though you prolly won't be reading this. ate and drank lots of sweet stuff today, don't know why just got this funny craving for smth sweet. and seems like i developed a thirst that cannot be quenched... dunno why also.

then went down to pa. cleared up some of the scores with joyce. wah, become more and more lazy le. see no list in front then skip, lol. made life a lot easier though. she was right, the arrangement of the specific scores can wait til later, after everything is generally organised. it would take too long to just trudge through it one by one... then practice was generally for the gala concert. quite bo liao, coz qinglun and haosong transcribe the scores from the manuscript then made a lot a lot of mistakes. i wonder why laoshi let them transcribe it... should at least let like pple who know their theory better... hm, but can't complain la. wouldn't want to do such a mundane chore.

but then, the prac was really really boring. spent half of it reading tsubasa 6. then after that laoshi was so engrossed with all the sections apart from wind that i just went into the room to slack around a bit and clear up some scores. really really boring.

tomorrow, there will be a gala concert practice. practicing songs like mo li hua, the percussion thing, radetsky and MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. cannot imagine. dude, try this mission impossible, with it's odd rhythm and chinese orchestra. it's like trying to cross a penguin and a clown suit. it doesn't click. but the radetsky sounds nice though.

haha, finally tried harry's dinosaur. haha. not his dinosaur la, but he was the first one to ever buy it from the uncle what. haha. quite nice. but a bit too ex man. then yong hui got birded by the whole bunch of us today. damn suay. poor thing.

hmm... what else.

nothing much la, really. haha, feel so slack now. have to catch up on hw tml. but til then...

miao.

 

 

 

25 more days to my birthday.
26 more days to yanliang's arrival.
35 more days to my grade 8 practical exam.

"...can be likened to a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat."

tired

had pt today. happy happy satisfied. hadn't really worked out for some time, though i wouldn't consider today really working out. but it's a start.

proves how much circumstances can affect a person's mentality and abilities. today did zha ma with the rest of the nels that turned up. wah... only about two plus minutes then cannot make it le. granted, they were way more standard than when i zha for one hour during yl la, but then a bit de not pathetic only. then superman also did only for three mins. leg lifters... we did til T-E-N ten. counted. from O-N-E one til T-E-N ten, there are a total of 49 lifters. i think at the very very most we hit thirteen then cannot make it le... but then again, it's good for a start, on my part le. played netball and captain's ball today... felt so short when i had to guard melissa... haiz, at first can take most of the balls, but then they just had to "throw higher" then cannot make it liao. but i still feel good. it's nice to exercise and sweat out (literally. when i showered, the water that flowed from my hair was so damn salty). lol.

then today had pt coz canoe polo was called off last minute. i don't believe this. cheng is so... argh. i am dumbfounded by the display of irresponsibility. why tell me only today? why? why? make me so so so pissed man. then today had quite a bad morning, so threw a small temper at kenneth (from S61). poor guy, got slapped by my math notes. then i almost hit KJ, and i hit joseph too... with my notes. i think my violent tendencies are working up. cannot.

must control, must control.

been really tired lately. just don't wish to think, cannot think, just plough on and leave the reflections to the weekends. and what happens if the weekends are busy too? haiz. working on long hours, so suffering from sleep deficit. i think my old problem is acting up again: sleep little -> induce a high to feel better -> get busy -> end up feeling even lower -> sleep little. haiz.

must control, must control.

i bet mr lee reads this blog. wah... feels odd... hm. he thinks i look depressed. haha. sometimes i'm even confused about how i feel, and he can say i look depressed. there's this uncertainty about whether how i feel is what people tell me i look like i feel, what i really feel, or what i should feel. i don't even know if this is me speaking because i am, or me speaking because i'm just such an attention seeking brat. prolly both. i could do away with the attention most of the times, but i don't know why, i just have to do those silly things that give me far too much attention.

must control, must control.

and the rest of the day is a blur... i realise i do not have a knack for remembering events during days when i feel lousy. haha. that's good, i suppose, coz i'll just put it away and forget it. but thank goodness for friends who catalyse the rebound to the loud angela. *grinz*

let tomorrow be better. busy is good. it leaves you with less time to think about the mess you've gotten into. (let's see... tml, 'll be at pa from two to nine. sunday, 'll be at pa from two to seven)

hmm... okay. i've added a new guestbook... it's... rather distasteful, don't like the template. haha. and i'm getting more egoistic. put my picture as background. haha. will hunt for a good new guestbook and good background pictures. i promise. meanwhile, just bear with it and sign, yeah? the little quotes i pick up are the links yeah.

oh, just a question to think about:

there was this girl whose mother died. at the funeral, she saw this really cute and hot guy. she liked him immediately, and found him a nice guy after talking to him. after that, she didn't see him again.

two weeks later, she killed her sister. why?

 


 



26 more days to my birthday.
27 more days to yanliang's arrival.
36 more days to my grade 8 practical exam. 

"how dare you speak to me."

what crap  

i typed a whole essay and it gets deleted... feed a computer information and it gives you shit. what a trustworthy piece of crappy technology. oh wat. of course, feed it something and it goes through the digestive system, then it comes out as shit. naturally.  

look, i didn't intend to hurt, man, but i'm feeling crap now. firstly, i was so so disappointed with the nels on tuesday. can't believe it. maybe it's because i invested so much in it. too much in just a hope that they would be even just half as enthusiastic as me about canoe polo. just half. i've been looking forward to it the whole hols, since the previous gm had pple agreeing that we should go for the tournament. oh. i guess it's the somebody else can go compete kind of psychology. i know you have exams to clear. i have exams to clear too. and i have another competition. the trainings clash. and i can put it off. i convinced myself, it's only going to be for four weeks. only four weeks. i have another like month plus and the rest of the time to mug. and i'll bet i did worse than most of you people there. but there it is, it's out, and we don't even have enough people to form a team.

sorry. i'm feeling crap.

but i guess it's a kind of mixed blessing that we are going for this canoe polo COURSE. and not going for the competition. sure, some of us have lost mostivation to train, but of course, more people are going for canoe polo.   haiz. it's not that i'm super unhappy. i guess this is the best i can get, if your mentality's going to be so. maybe, just maybe, from this small bunch of twelve people, a smaller bunch of eight people will be interested enough to commit themselves to more training and go for the tournament.

i can always hope, although it is bloody stupid to do something so silly as hope. cheng sounded disappointed too... it's not that i don't understand that people have different priorities, it's not that i don't understand that you have difficulties with your schedules. but this is my bloody opinion, kay? i'll let my logical half do the reasoning. this blog is for me to scream. if you don't like seeing such stuff, leave. i'd rather i scream here than scream in your face. there's always the logical half to reason it all out and make everything easier, and objective, but it is not now.  

and i've taken turns at being frustrated, irritated, exasperated, high, happy, and unhappy this past week. i know i'm getting more cruel with my words. i know i'm getting harsher with my jokes. i know that sometimes there is simply no win-win situation, and at such times, i'll go all out to protect my interest. i know i'm being cold. i know it prolly hurts you, confuses you, but think, if you're going to insist, it'd be causing me unhappiness too. sometimes i even got to thinking, so what if you got angry, pretty soon, it won't matter to me if you're angry anymore. but i can't just don't care. i just can't. i don't know. oh, i'm so sorry... sorry... but. haiz. sorry. i don't think this particular message will ever get across. i don't know what i'm even saying this for.  

i'm getting more paranoid than ever. i cannot not associate what he does with that lousy woman he calls on a weekly basis. sometimes twice a week. just friends what. the way he smiles when he talks on the phone. the way she can just address him like she's so close to him. email him. call him. sorry. she doesn't call. he calls her. and now he says he's considering going overseas for a trip with friends. friends. *snort* i know i shouldn't be so suspicious. i know i shouldn't be so paranoid. i know i should respect his privacy. i can't help associating it with that stupid woman. even if he is only going overseas with just his male colleagues. i know i should not jump to conclusions, but the way i'm being kept in the dark about all this business is making me uneasy. and i'm thinking too much for my own good. god, i hate that awful woman. i'm too paranoid for my own good. i hate myself for thinking this way, but reassure me that everything is alright then. tell me "i'll never leave your side." mum said he loved the family too much. i'm holding on to it. hope. a silly thing.  

oh. good things that happened. i had a good long talk with a friend. it was good la; we cleared a lot of things, so i feel much easier talking and crapping now. haha. takes my mind off a lot of things.  

good things. good things... hmm... i know why he likes music so much now. it takes your mind off a lot of things. been listening to ocean ou these past few days. good music, nice lyrics. better if he wrote them himself. i don't know if he did, but they're nice nice nice songs. so sweet, yet quite sad too. very catchy. but one problem, catchy tunes get irritating when they stick in your head for far too long. haiz. i still like jay chou's voice better though. haha.  

gp results are more or less out. miss chua said "i think you passed." like how optimistic is that? i did like one of the best in class for AQ, but my compre was so rushed she didn't even pass me for the compre part, i only scraped a 52% for my paper 2. which is way way way below my average of 62 - 70%. and she actually said that my compo was very disappointing. "you should have done better. bad choice of question. i was so dismayed when i was marking your compre and i got so irritated, coz you understood, but your answer just didn't come out right." crap. crap crap crap. i feel so assured that i will get promoted. i hate myself man. "you should have gotten an a2." wah, like that was good enough. but if i could i don't see how passing is supposed to be a comfort, as she said. when i got back my compre results, i almost vowed that if i didn't do well for my compo, i'd go jump.  

and i can tell you, that thought actually flashed more than once before me. so many problems. one solution. but it doesn't really solve anythng, coz it'll just merge all my problems into one big problem and lump it on my parents. so it's stupid, and selfish. but if one day something should happen, you might want to take this blog entry for reference.  

there are so many things that have been building up inside me that a newfound friend can't even make up for it. i guess i have myself to blame for all of it.   there is so much more i have to say, but no more will to go on typing. for those who actually read the whole blog down to this point, i'm very very sorry if i had angered you, offended you, disrupted your emotions or anything. so so sorry....  

sorry.                

 

 

 

 

27 days to my birthday.

28 days to yanliang's arrival.

37 days to my grade 8 practical exam.

"dang feng xiu xiu xiu, song zhou wo de ai, jie bian lu deng yi zheng pai, di zhe tou wei shei mo ai..."

my new (albeit lousy) guestbook. will upgrade. please, please please sign :)

dear diary...
 
and life has gotten ever so quiet and ever so busy. all at the same time. it seems that the busier people get, the more alone they are. many times, i feel like going home, yet i don't want to go home. it's getting so quiet around. not that there ain't anyone, but that i have nothing to say to the adult that's home and the kid is prolly deep in his own activities. at least there's always the bed. maybe for once, i feel a fraction of what otou-sama must experience. and that must be bad.
 
got back my results. very sian. oooo. it's not like i didn't study. it's not like i didn't do my work. it's not like i treated school like i did in sec three. shit. i shall cease to comment.
 
these are the main train of events these past few weeks.
 
there are more. but so much so that i can't start listing them. oh. and canoe polo training's starting. yay.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"the world is round. not flat, so i found out yesterday."