crybaby

got back my results today. haha. mixed feelings about it all. i shall name this entry crybaby. haha. coz i cried for a long long time after i got home.

hm... my results ain't too bad lah, if you look at it superficially. the aggregate's 7, an improvement of 2 marks.

english: 1 [prelims] >> 1 [o level's]
- hmm. the results were maintained, so i have nothing much to say.

HMT: 2 >> 3
- sigh. very much unexpected to do so badly. i thought the paper was pretty easy. well. i think i have to take ao chinese. this sucks big time man. and i thought i was rid of chinese compo's... *screws up face* eww.

combined humans: 2 >> 3
- this was pretty much expected. i mean, lousy grades. i didn't even have time to finish the god-damned paper. kaoz. but well, b3 still doesn't look good. and i have three of those on my result slip. well.

geography: 4 >> 1
- this, i'm very proud of. haha. i hardly ever get above a C for my geography papers. class tests i can do fully well. not exams. haha, it seems that my incessant copying of the textbook paid off. good. haha. it feels very nice to improve on my geography. yay. it gives me confidence to do my econs. but don't know why also. haha.

physics: 3 >> 1
- that three during the prelims was totally unexpected. so i shall cease to comment.

chemistry: 1 >> 3
- this is LOUSY. i mean. i thought i would get at least a distinction for this subject man. [maei: you mean you thought you would get your 1. admit it you little delusional freak.] humph. meishi could get a one. i don't see why i can't.

e math: 1 >> 1
- well.

a math: 6 >> 2
- muahaha. this is yet another subject i'm totally happy about. beeeeg improvement. haha. the result of daily mugging at the library. muahahaha.

and with chinese, that's a total of five 1's, one 2 and three 3's for all my nine subjects. comforting to know that at least half my subjects were a1's. haha. but ultra depressing to know almost everyone i know got better grades than me for chemistry, which is supposedly my stongest subject. humph. and ultra depressing to know that i didn't manage to do better than a lot of pple... the straight a pple. and everyone expected me to get straight a's lor.

like what the hell. when pple heardi got three b's they were like... "HUH? i like, expected you to get all a's or smth..." even kelvin said that lor. haiz. and my mum was like, "three b's? jason didn't even get one." haiz. so i was very disappointed in my grades.

so i cried.

and i did worst for the subject i needed the most to do s papers for. and scholarships. and attachments. and career. stupid.

but, that's all past. and i shall content myself with the thought that i got a 7 for aggregate. so i have a new mantra.

"i'm a 7-pointer. the b3's don't matter." [x n]

haha. joking.

but anyway, the gumi did really well as a whole. yay! i'm so damn proud of you, zhian! and i'm happy for the gumi! cheers. may everyone get into the school of their choices! haha.

finally, this chapter of my school life has come to an end, and i shall cease to brood over my grades.

went to coffee bean for a gumi outing today. quite sad yiting couldn't make it, and emily came late. but all's good. miss you guys badly, wish we can have gumi outings more frequently.

hmm... i think i screwed up my chem mock test today. that SPAstic mock assessment. but well. haha.

hm. then today was basically nothing much, lor. just a flurry of results and tears. hm.

oh, and i'm going to try to apply for two scholarships tomorrow. may one of them get through, at least.

ta-ta.







"who knows what miracles, you can achieve. when you believe, somehow you will. you will when you believe."

ah!!!!!!!! i am traumatised. severely traumatised. zhian got eleven aye ones!!!! gawd.... RGS scholar sia. quite hard to believe. haha. but good for her, she's been going on and on about getting eleven aye ones for o's. and ta-da! she fianlly got her wish... tho' i'm not sure about her consistency of work lah, but still... she's a genius. good job zhian! feel so happy for her.

but at this time, haha, i'm already dead sure i'll get my full 54 marks for my aggregate. and my hopes are plummeting. dunno whther i can get my single digit still. angell was complaining about her worries. and how zhian was spoiling the market. great. she got 7 for her prelims and i got 9. so, who's to be more worried, huh? haiz. wish this afternoon will never come, if only for the results... miao. i want to see yiting. i want to see zhian. i want to see emmie. i want to see tessie. i want to see the whole gumi again. miao. you know, i realise we haven't taken a single picture of the entire gumi in all our four years. save for during alma mater. haiz. today must take lots of pictures. miss everyone so much.

i think o's results will be the hottest topic tomorrow in PAYCO. and i'm waiting for mingwei and angell to treat me to the coffee they say they are treating me if they do better than me. and given that i'm fully prepared to get 54 marks, i think i will get my coffee...

but of course lah, i still want my six. dunnot whether will get it only. haha, shi4 yu3 yuan4 wei3. what you want is often what you miss. haiz.

but what the hell, i'm going round and round and round in circles. we'll see tonight. maybe the happy blog meant for today will not be, haha. meishi suggested a mass stroll into the sea. yay. at east coast. haha.

ta-ta.







"and suddenly the gun started to look real friendly to him. real friendly."

tomorrow, we shall all know our o levels' results. tomorrow, i shall get to see the whole gumi again. tomorrow... i wonder if he'll still be angry.

this week, i mugged. so, there is really nothing much i can say that happened. yesterday, my transfer to the econs class was finally approved. and econs is really not as dry as i expected it to be. the tutorials are quite cool, as a matter of fact.

monday, i cried. i cried because i saw the YL people. they were forming their lines, standing in their, by now, bonded groups. they were running around, engaging in activities i so wanted to be a part of. and they were my friends, or what i may be deluding myself to believe to be my friends. and all of a sudden, as i stood in the amphitheatre watching them, i felt so alone, so left-out. and it was like i was transferred from 04S61 all over again. the people i've come to know, come to like suddenly just parted. ridiculous. then i thought maybe i'd have him left.

today, i cried. i cried because i grieve over my stupidity. i don't know what i could have possibly done. and i don't know what angered him so. and then i was pissed off, coz he refused to take my calls, refused to acknowledge my messages. i had no chance to apologise or to even explain. haiz. yeah, explain what? i don't even know what i did wrong. i believe everything that happened in the afternoon was just a trigger. now, i just want things to be fine. gawd i sound lovesick. i'm not. i just hate hate hate it when someone gets angry with me. scared, maybe.

and i feel out. alvinia and co have started to respond to meishi. they can COMMUNICATE. when i attempt to strike a conversation, i seem non-existant. i don't know. maybe i don't, in their individual worlds. i see meishi and alvinia on the bridge, again and again in my head. alvinia, gloria, lydia... i wouldn't say that they and meishi are on the best of terms. but at least they discover her presence. i'm going around in circles.

i'm having mixed feelings about YLTC. do i want to go still? or have i managed to convince myself into not going. do i not want to go? no, definitely not. why do i want to go? i don't know. for what am i going? i don't know.

homework, i've managed to catch up a bit these few days of going to school early and sleeping late.

my heart, it's still going fast, but it's the normal fast heartbeat, not the ones that come with giddiness or nausea.

tomorrow, i will be receiving my o level results. i say, i want to get a single digit aggregate. i think: i want to get my six points. i want to do better than jason. i want to do better than meishi. but they seem far-fetched. i'd love to see the gumi, but not with my mood now. i wonder what they are going to do. i wonder if anyone will be crying tomorrow. will be be singing the school song again? will i cry again?

tomorrow, will the cold war go on? will we pretend things are fine, or will we not? will this be the last time i can think of being in S68 as a class? will it be the last day i can see him as a schoolmate? do i have to leave HCJ with such impressions, unhappiness?

i am crying. i don't know why i'm letting all these get to me. maybe this bout of depression will go away. maybe i'm just stressed. maybe i'll feel better, maybe i won't.

i'm not tired.
i'm just...

confused.







"talk is cheap. supply exceeds demand."