give me my life back

i had this personal time thing during ct session with mr lee. talked about a whole lot of stuff, and you know what? i have zero life. out of OAC, that is.

give me my life back man. i mean, i want some sense of normalcy. i want to just an1 an1 fen4 fen4 and go to payco for practice, go home early for dinner. play my piano, read my fics, slack around a bit, talk to mummy. listen to some songs, just relax a bit, get my manga, stop worrying about the amount of money that gets pumped into school and cca. gawd.

i mean, no offense man, i love you nelchaenens. and i love oac activities. it's an unspoken rule that oac people rock. it is a fact that i love outdoor activites. i love kayaking, love climbing, love just messing around. but it's a different kind of love. for my sense of normalcy, i guess i was so caught up in my activities that i never did realise it slowly building up. and suddenly, it just overwhelms me.

maybe it'll go away tomorrow. i didn't have this problem yesterday.

but right now, i just want some peace with myself. everything's going wrong. i should be loving my fun-filled life (and i do still love it). i should be contented. but now, i just want a blank schedule. i want a blank schedule that i can be free to add activities to without having to worry if it'll clash with another event.

i want life to be as it was in sec three. when it was just saturday pract for rgco, there was no syf extra sessions, going down to pa every friday and saturday. getting to go home early and get some rest before starting on work. have time to surf the net without worry that work will overflow my table.

and i miss my mother. so so much.

it's been five months since she started working full time. i should have gotten used to her absence le. but fuck, no. the place is so quiet. when i reach home in the evening (it's never in the afternoon anymore), wei wei will be either playing games, surfing the net, asleep, or rarely, doing his work. dad will be working on the comp, asleep or preparing dinner. occasionally, i might make it home early enough to catch him at the TV watching the news. and when mum takes leave, yay! i get a day of normalcy. a day in a week.

i guess i should learn to be content, but shit, i miss her so much sometimes. when i wake up in the morning, that's the only time in the day i get to see her. that's the only time that seems like it was before.

and payco. gosh. how long has it been? i think huang sheng must be so mad at me le. i want to go back, but i'm afraid things will be so strange. in a matter of two months, everything has turned topsy-turvy.

i want my old life back. i want my space for freedom back. i want my free days back.

but i guess i'd be unhappy all over again if i didn't have the nelchaenens. i think i'm stressed. but i shouldn't be. i'm not even half as busy as some other people are. with schoolwork that is. i never knew one could be stressed doing things she like.

and and and and... and jieying had to tell weileong that the interacters said the BBI thing will end by eleven, like WHAT THE FUCK?! not that it was her fault. she couldn't possibly have helped it. but it had to be, it just had to be after i confirmed with ninghan and likoon that the kayaking would be pushed back to 23rd and 30th! weileong's teacher said what genevieve tan said. earliest by twelve thirty. i can tell you, if that thing ends by eleven, i'm going to seriously do some damage to genevieve tan's cute little smiley "i love my kid and oh my gosh she said mummy" face. screw up my schedule and plans again and again and again.

whatever. i don't want to think about this anymore.

(or PW. or hw. or payco.)








"ignorance is bliss."

when you refuse to stay in one spot...

when you refuse to stay in one spot...

you're pretty restless. that's for sure. especially since you were going to have a one-star kayaking course the next day and you're like, just dying to get into the water. woah. keep rein man, that was like, friday. haha. but got into quite a bad quarrel... so quite bad la... got so bad i almost forgot about one-star kayaking the next day. and even had to have some third party try to break it up. crazy la. almost lashed out at the poor person, but well, haha, facade of a sweet girl remains intact. got home and just lazed around then went to bed... did a bit of work. but yeah, one-star slipped my head.

when you refuse to stay in one spot...

the grounds prolly too hot for your poor bare feet, right? haha. on saturday, the moments when we were out of the saltwater pool were spent hopping around from one foot to the other... gosh. haha. can smell the burnt feet? no la, not that exaggerated. swimming a little and paddling around helps get rid of some of that tenseness in you. for a few hours, i could at least decieve myself that nothing unhappy actually happened. kayaking was really fun. really. haha. the boats we got when we were learning the strokes in the pool were damn.... sensitive, to put it in a nice way. definitely not for expedition. but damn cool, for canoe polo. haha. it was like, you just stick the paddle in and it turns in response. learned all the basic strokes. very fun. but not that much kick. not aching...

then went out for dinner with the nels. got seven of us. then we ate at long john's la. haha. felt so satiated.

and then i went back to feeling sian. i think it's some kind of funny reaction to the a whole day of escapism. reached home, settled some stuff, did a bit of homework, made an anklet, had a good long talk on the phone (not as long as long talks la, but well, you'd have to make do, when you're talking in the middle of the night) and maybe things eased out. felt better.

when you refuse to stay in one spot...

you're damn late. haha. overslept on sunday morning, then quite zao gao, but managed to make it in time. haha. he made it in time for the same train too. not bad la, get an experienced person kayaking with us, on our expedition. and the second day of the one-star course began.

when your efuse to stay in one spot...

you're prolly in the middle of an expedition, on a kayak. damn nice. haven't gone for an expedition for such a long time, and it just brings to surface why i wanted to get into oac (and further on, to become sea chief) so badly. the downside of the coin, he refused to take a double kayak. at first we all thought it was quite selfish of him la. and rather childish. but after we got into the water, it all seemed to fade away. and being in the single kayak is very nice. got that satisfaction of having done everything by yourself. but then again. haiz. he could have saved himself a talking-to from yong. stopped at mac's, then kayaked back to beyond paddle culture, and did a rescue in the middle of the sea. haha. you really can't stay in one place man. whoosh comes the wave and you, your capsized kayak and your paddle gets washed away. haha. performed a near-perfect rescue. near-perfect only because i didn't manage to do it the way yong did it, so zai. haha. but still, we managed to empty the kayak of all water. and better still the bouyancy as unhatched. but we got it fixed la. haha, feel strong man. got that kind of man zhu gan. haha.

then played canoe polo with the seniors. kenna trashing. but still the game rocks man. there's no way we're going to NOT form a team at least and train man. it rocks rocks rocks rocks... haha. must learn how to do the roll. *nods in determination* tried to do the roll, but totally lost my orientation underwater... ended up just pulling my sprayskirt free and doing the capsize drill... sian. haiz. but then if i can get it the first try, then i shen liao la. gambatte yo! watched the seniors play. wah, super pro. jizheng throw his paddle also can block the goal successfully. twice eh. no zok ah. haha. zhe min also very zai. then i whack poor likoon's hand in an attempt to 'steal' (very very conspicuously) the ball. and even tho' i cannot match up in speed, agility, skill and everything, it was still a good game. and the 29th sea chiefs all very zai. i must do just as well, if not better. let's see.

long-term goal: to be as good, if not better than ninghan.
mid-term goal: to learn the techniques properly... esp the roll. short-term goal: to edge sharply and quickly enough without getting my kayak half-filled with water (without a sprayskirt, that is.).

when you refuse to stay in one place...

you're suffering from missing the sea. floated around when i lay down in my bed last night... gosh... haha. i want to kayak. want to kayak. to kayak. kayak.

kayak kayak kayak kayak kayak kayak...

haha.









"life tastes better with salt.